Friends

"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson

Well fuck, I am poor! I have no friends=no estate=poor.

What does one really need friends for? We come to this earth alone, and when we leave, we leave alone (unless ofcourse you're a victim of mass murder, a plane crash, a terrorist attack, or some other scenario like that). So if we come alone and we go alone, do we need any companionship in between our journey from life to death?

I think we do, I think we need companionship, I think we need to feel the love, the need to be wanted, the feeling to belong (somewhere or to someone). Human nature by default is very needy, very possessive, very belonging. We are never satisfied, we always group ourselves in different categories. Male, female, young, old, gay, straight, minor, adult, white, black, asian, hispanic, american, european, tall, short, fat, skinny, rich, poor, so on and so forth. We always want to belong somewhere, we always strive to belong to the next best category, the ultimate competition, the desire to survive.

I somehow never had this feeling or this want to have a friend. This desire to belong. I am not a loner, no way, I have people but I just never had anybody so close to me, to be called my best friend. I wonder, why? Growing up, I never had a friend that I always hungout with, did things with, I always went to places along, always ate my lunches alone, always walked to school and back alone, always did things my own way as I pleased, always alone. I never felt the need to have someone with me to do things. I even went to the movies alone and still do.

Friends come and friends go, at one point I had an unusually large amount of friends that I always went out with. We would go to clubs and parties and sorts in large masses. They were friends I did things with but none came home with me, most of them did not even know where I lived. That is how my friends are. They are mostly acquaintances, some of them for one day some of them for one year, some of them for one decade, but sooner or later they all go away. Go away in a sense, they move to a different place, we grow apart, they get married, settle down with their families, find other friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend and they start doing their own things. And I hate that, if I make a friend, I want that person to stick around with me forever and ever. I want that person to be with me, I get very possessive and I think that is the reason I do not let them come very near to me because I know it will be very tough to say goodbye for me.