Friends

"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson

Well fuck, I am poor! I have no friends=no estate=poor.

What does one really need friends for? We come to this earth alone, and when we leave, we leave alone (unless ofcourse you're a victim of mass murder, a plane crash, a terrorist attack, or some other scenario like that). So if we come alone and we go alone, do we need any companionship in between our journey from life to death?

I think we do, I think we need companionship, I think we need to feel the love, the need to be wanted, the feeling to belong (somewhere or to someone). Human nature by default is very needy, very possessive, very belonging. We are never satisfied, we always group ourselves in different categories. Male, female, young, old, gay, straight, minor, adult, white, black, asian, hispanic, american, european, tall, short, fat, skinny, rich, poor, so on and so forth. We always want to belong somewhere, we always strive to belong to the next best category, the ultimate competition, the desire to survive.

I somehow never had this feeling or this want to have a friend. This desire to belong. I am not a loner, no way, I have people but I just never had anybody so close to me, to be called my best friend. I wonder, why? Growing up, I never had a friend that I always hungout with, did things with, I always went to places along, always ate my lunches alone, always walked to school and back alone, always did things my own way as I pleased, always alone. I never felt the need to have someone with me to do things. I even went to the movies alone and still do.

Friends come and friends go, at one point I had an unusually large amount of friends that I always went out with. We would go to clubs and parties and sorts in large masses. They were friends I did things with but none came home with me, most of them did not even know where I lived. That is how my friends are. They are mostly acquaintances, some of them for one day some of them for one year, some of them for one decade, but sooner or later they all go away. Go away in a sense, they move to a different place, we grow apart, they get married, settle down with their families, find other friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend and they start doing their own things. And I hate that, if I make a friend, I want that person to stick around with me forever and ever. I want that person to be with me, I get very possessive and I think that is the reason I do not let them come very near to me because I know it will be very tough to say goodbye for me.

My mother just said ...

...you need change in your life. If you have the same routine, same schedule that you do everyday nothing good happens. Sometimes you have to mix things up, change your life, change your schedule and your routine to see things from a different perspective. I think she is right.

A fellow blogger, crashedsite, commented somewhat the same on my last spot. I think she and my mother both might be on the right track. I have decided, I am going to change things in my life. No more self-loathing, self-pity, and misery. Things are going to change, life is going to be better. I feel opitimistic already.

I wonder how mothers always know what to say and when to say under any given situation. I sometimes think my mother is a mind reader. I swear upon it. My mother knows when I need something, money or other materials, if I am down and depressed, she somehow knows it even when I do not tell her and she says something to cheer me up for that particular situation. If am not feeling well, she knows what to cook for me even when I don't tell her that I don't feel well. When I feel like eating out, she herself tells me, I am not cooking today, why don't you go out and get your food, whatever you desire. How does she do it? That is a mystery.

Back to the change topic, yes I will have to change my life. I feel good, and I feel like after 3 months since graduation I might get a job soon. I got two phone calls for interviews today on the same day. All this happened after I changed my current work schedule at the retail shop where I work. My mother said it today, you have to change stuff in your life, move things around to have things happen to you, good or bad.

I want to get out of this godforsaken place. That is my next move. Will let you know what happens, how things work out.

Here's a suggestion...

"Here's a suggestion... GROW SOME BALLS... stop trying to please everyone else and look after #1. Think positive about yourself and good things will start happening."

This is what a chat friend of mine told me when I told her that I have a sleeping problem, and that I cannot sleep well because when I try to sleep I think of things about me and it scares me. She nailed me right to the point saying, is it about my dead end job and no love life.

I wonder how shew knew. The suggestion, she gave me is up above, as you read it. Though I wonder how can one just change things. I have tried. It doesn't work. I know I will never get the love in my life that I really want. How do I tell and cause pain and hurt the ones who love me the most. How do I tell my mother that I am gay.

In gay world, you have to realize, once you are past 21, you are considered middle aged, and at my age, I am considered OLD. With my age, and the looks that I possess, even if I think positive, only bad things happen to me. I wonder how most good looking people are so rich, so well set, have great jobs, perfect families with their pristine wives and flawless kids and spotless cars and best house in the most posh area possible, and careers that cannot be stopped from going even up higher than where they currently are?

How is it that a well educated person like me with 2 degrees, a person who is well traveled, cannot find a decent job, and has to still work in retail making merely $8.20 an hour and live with his mother? Why must my life be like this. I am not complaining, I am just wondering. Don't get me wrong. Why can't I have been like the guy who lives next door, or in the next apt, or across the streets, or a mile away, or ten miles away. They all have better life than me, and I am not exaggerating. They most definitely have a better life than me. They have friends, boyfriends, girlfirends, lovers, kids, baby drama, money, house, cars, spontaneity, extravagant lifestyles, and above all perfect body and best looks?

Why, at this age, must I be like this and SINGLE?

I am jealous. I feel hatred. I don't wish it upon them but I feel it. I don't know what to do.